mothertheresa.jpg                                                                      craw2.jpg

For most of the day, I have felt…uncomfortable.  Not physically, but psychically (not in the “psychic” sense, but the “psyche” one).  I don’t know if it was the 2 feet of snow that soggily landed on our fair metropolis – a case could be made for that, since I found myself having to scramble over 4 foot-high snowbanks merely to cross a street.  I don’t know if it is just another side effect from being broken-hearted.  I don’t know.  I was all right in today’s only class, but work was another issue.

I was dreading getting up and getting out this morning, but that was mostly a dislike of trudging through piles and piles of snow.  I got to work, and my mood didn’t lift.  I have hated jobs before, believe me.  I don’t hate my job, I just…sometimes have personality issues.  I tutor students at a two-year college.  Some of them are going for an associate degree in a field where a four-year degree doesn’t make sense.  Some of them are saving money; they spend much less per credit than they would at a four-year school, and many classes transfer.  Others are beyond unprepared.  Unprepared academically, unprepared emotionally, just generally unprepared.  In theory, this is a good option for them.  If they need high school level classes, they pay no tuition; there are many resources for them to get prepared for college-level work.  And yet, so many of them are so far behind, I fear they’ll never see it through.  And for those who are unprepared emotionally, their lack of maturity works my last nerve.  I grit my teeth, hold my tongue and just smile and try to push them in the right direction.  But most of the time, I just want to chew them out.  I feel bad for disliking some of them.  I wonder if some of them have serious problems – that they aren’t just ill-prepared or immature – and if so, maybe I’m holding them to unrealistic standards.  Not everyone wants to be like me; some days, I don’t want to be like me.  I can be a bit of a snob.  And while I don’t think so, I can understand why some people might find me pretentious.  As they say, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.  So since I’m loaded with not-so-admirable qualities, why judge people harshly just for being annoying?

I’ve been thinking about this for the better part of the day.  Not beating myself up, but challenging myself not to be so quick to dislike people just because I find them annoying.  I don’t have to be friends with everyone, but recognize that there is enough contempt in the world; I certainly don’t need to add to the sum total.

The joke is that people often call me nice.  As I have joked to my friend, KS(-P), what these people don’t recognize is that I’m not so much nice as polite.  While being polite is fine, maybe I should try being nicer.

And yet…as my work day came to a close, I worked with two very nice students.  They may have been in the same boat with the others, but how they choose to row is completely different.  Now, I’m not sure – do I need to be nicer?  Or am I going to be someone who is never going to suffer fools gladly?  Does that make me a bitch?

Advertisements