First things first – I got the GRE out of the way, and I did well enough that I will not be retaking the test. One thing off my list for good. Hooray! Last night, the gang and I had a social event, which was grand – we were all happy to be hanging out, and we got some quality socializing in. KS(-P) is having a birthday in a couple of weeks, and plans were made for that celebration. So all in all, a quality Saturday. Today I’ve been in turbo homework mode, as I have a paper for Modern French lit due early this week. I do not want a replay of the Ourika disaster, where I did not even have time to proofread. I’m half-way through the paper, and I know exactly where it is going, so I felt I had time to write a post.
I’ve been feeling discombobulated lately, and I’ve been trying (unsuccessfully) to figure out what the problem was. There were so many possible suspects, a lot of background noise; I found it difficult to put my finger on what was getting under my skin. All of them were getting me down – my slowly healing ankle, the lack of energy I have been having due to the lack of exercise I’ve been getting (due to the slowly healing ankle), the end of the semester (and all the work that entails), the GRE, trying to find a job for the next school year, worrying about all the things that need to be taken care of before I go to France….and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been feeling hypersensitive lately, which isn’t necessarily unusual, but the degree to which I’ve been feeling hypersensitive has been. In a nutshell: I’ve been feeling out of sorts.
Historically speaking, I’ve spent most of my life feeling out of sorts. But I’ve gotten out of practice. You see, with the Ex, I stopped feeling disjointed and weird. I don’t know if that’s a testament to our relationship, or a commentary on how useless my love life has been in the past. I’m not sure. The thing was, we were a team, and a damn good one (or at least I thought we were a damn good one – I have no idea if that was mostly in my head now, but that’s for another time). When we were together, I always felt I had someone who was on my side; not in the way family is, but someone who chose to be in your corner, and I was in his corner, too. There is something remarkable about that – you never think to yourself, “wow, I always feel like I belong somewhere now.” You simply are yourself, and that’s the way it should be. I hesitate making so much out of this, because I’ve always believed that you should be the one you can count on; but as John Donne said…blah blah blah island (yeah, I know the quote, I just don’t see the point of quoting it – you can google it). So I got used to it, this safe place that was with me all the time, even when he wasn’t. And now it’s gone, and I didn’t even know I missed it until now.
I just find it ironic – finding a relationship like that can give you that sort of security; to get that, you have to put yourself in harm’s way. Isn’t that a kick in the ass?