After a few hours wrasslin’ with the horror that is the Grad School Application Personal Statement, I printed it up and gave it to GSS.  This was yesterday.  Today, when I came in, he had it for me with some comments, some of which I asked him to clarify.  I’m not going to try to parse too much of his behavior (or maybe I am), though I did find it odd that he didn’t want to sit with me while I read his comments.  Also, I found it slightly strange that I had to ask him to go over some of his comments for me (I found them cryptic until he explained them, and then they were helpful).  He joked that he didn’t want me to beat him up, which I translate as “I’m afraid you’re going to be offended if I criticize your writing.”  Which I find odd; clearly he was the one doing me a favor.  I long for input, as the stakes are too damn high for just assuming, “I’m a pretty good writer, I’ll just wing it.”  Does this mean that he suspects me of bitchiness?  Arrogance?  I’m not sure.  It might not mean that at all.  I initially interpreted it as a desire not to talk to me; however, we did have a social conversation after, so I don’t know.

Under the influence of his maddening ambiguity, I did flirt with my Facebook Friend (aka…Cougar Bait?), which entertained me (and seemingly, him).  I also managed to get some work done, although I didn’t even try my second pass at the Dreaded Personal Statement, as I need to mull some things over and try to figure out the best way to put GSS’s sound advice in action.

It is hilariously ironic that I write about myself all the damn time (as I am just a self-absorbed as anyone else), and this personal statement nonsense has thrown me for a loop.  My best 5-cent self-analysis indicates that I am afraid of being rejected by these schools, and as the personal statement is…well…the most personal portion of the application, it feels the most emotionally risky.  I notice myself backpedalling, trying to think of reasons not to apply to the school with the first due date (December 11).  I wisely told myself that that was stupid – not applying to one school could easily turn into not applying to the next, then the next…until there I am with another undergraduate degree, yet still without any marketable skills (unless “will translate for food” is a marketable skill).  And then I’d be some loser, constantly babbling how I was “in the process” of applying to graduate school.  It would be one thing if I really didn’t want to go to grad school, but I do want to (very much).  That’s where the “loser” part comes in.

So I say to myself, “Suck it up, Senior Senior!  And write your damn personal statements!”