After the realization that I would not be able to turn in my grad school application for my second choice school, I scrambled to find a new “second choice” school where I might apply.  After some consideration, I resurrected Ivy League School from my list – I had always liked the idea, but I was “afeared” that my GRE math score would not withstand the scrutiny.  After looking over the department website, I have decided that while I would have preferred a higher math score, that alone wouldn’t keep me out.  So I scrambled to get all my academic shit together for this.  I was talking to one of my “recommenders” and he talked up the program.  He told me that he thought it would be a good match for me.  From his lips to their ears (which is what I suppose the recommendation is supposed to do).

As you can imagine, this has caused me to rethink what criteria I will use to make my decision, which might be different tomorrow than it was last month, and Lord only knows what that might be two or three months from now.  I had rather thought I had made a firm decision; now I need to take in some more information.  I also have developed a new plan B, which might trump some grad school options.  I don’t know.  But I’ve learned that I’m good with change, so that is the one thing that keeps me sane.  I may not know where I’ll be six months from now, or what exactly I think I’ll be doing; whatever it is, I’ll make the transition well.  That’s some comfort.

I was bitching to KSP that I am, in a sense, stuck.  As I have ‘fessed to earlier, I have started reflirting with GSS.  I have no goal in mind, mostly because I think that ship has probably sailed.  And even if it hadn’t, it would only be a short-term thing (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  As I wrote yesterday (yesterday?), I e-mailed GSS.  I have e-mailed him from time to time, but he hasn’t responded like he used to.  I chalked that up to him being “not interested” and unwilling to encourage me, though he had on one occasion, told me that he received my e-mail and thanked me for it.  Which I took to be more of his maddening ambiguity/ambivalence.  So, I put the kibosh on the e-mailing.  But with us both being in absentia, I thought I’d touch base.  I didn’t expect any response, so when I did get one, I was a lot more jazzed (the word I used when discussing this with KSP) than I thought it would be.  I shot off a reply, again not expecting one, but did receive it.  Again, jazzedness was had by me.  And this is what I was bitching about to KSP:  I realize that nothing is really going to happen, I realize that I am a woman in transition – yet I have formed this “attachment” to him, and despite my best efforts to seek greener pastures, I’m stuck with the crush.  This is inconvenient to me.  Apparently, life is all about the mess.  I’m no drama queen, but I guess I just have to embrace the fact that I choose messiness.

I hear some people have tidy and organized lives.  I’ve never met any of those people.

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